Vacation Days
by Harmonious Arkos Sloth
Summary: Rin had tried for years to teach Shirou to be a proper Magus. She wanted him to doggedly hunt for knowledge, jealously hoard his power, and ruthlessly unleash it upon his enemies. Trouble is, she was using the wrong bait. Shirou was always a third rate Magus. Forget Akasha, cooking is the true root of the soul! "Do I taste nutmeg? Soon Evelyn, your cookie recipe will be mine!"


Shirou was always wary whenever Zelretch summoned him. Even after years of being the crazy Dead Apostle's apprentice, he was no closer to being able to understand the man's moods. He was just too unpredictable.

"Shirou, my boy, I need you to look at this Internet video for me. Don't worry! It's funny, and not at all like the last one! No girls, or cups!"

Shirou shuddered. Even years later, he could not eat frozen yogurt or soft-serve ice cream. Still, he was the man's apprentice. He would obey.

The video was rather funny, and catchy, he had to admit. It was what came after the video that confused him greatly. With a gesture, Zelretch used his magic to create a whirling portal of green energy in his study that led to who knew where. "Shirou, my boy, I need you to take a vacation."

The thought was appealing. Sakura, Saber, and Rin were off on another mission, given to them by Zelretch himself, and would be gone for some time. This gave Shirou nearly an entire month of free time.

In short, he was incredibly bored.

When your dimension-hopping, unhinged, and ancient undead boss encourages you to take a vacation, you listen.

As he gathered his pack, filled with all the essentials: Spices, knives, basic baking ingredients, etc. (Saber and Rin had packed it, of course) He stepped forward to the portal. Before he could take the final step into the unknown, though, Zelretch stopped him with a hand on his shoulder, and a very unnerving smile. "Just one final piece of advice my boy..."

"Don't die?"

"Well, yes, but that's a given. You should be gone for a month's time in this world, but there's no telling how long that will be on the other side. So, the most important thing to remember: When you need it most, remember the Internet video, my boy..."

And with that parting advice, Zelretch used his grip on his shoulder to lightly shove his dear apprentice into the dimensional rift, sending him spinning into the unknown with a mad cackle...

 **XXX**

Shirou awoke to the sound of typing on a keyboard. He looked around blearily, eyes taking a moment to adjust to the dim light, He appeared to be in some sort of office building, judging by the cubicle that he found himself in. It was a simple office space, with a standard office desk, and an unremarkable computer. The wheeled office chair he found himself in was also standard. Nothing special.

Pushing himself backward, thanks to the wheels on the chair, Shirou glanced out of his cubicle to get an idea of his surroundings. What greeted him was seemingly endless rows identical white cubicles. Leaning a bit further backward, he could just see into the cubicles to the people within. They all wore the same expression of hopelessness, as if all the joy had been sucked out of their lives and replaced with the mind-numbing drudgery of Excel spreadsheets.

They all looked as though they were one good allergy attack away from becoming Dead Apostles: Soulless red-eyed husks bent on consuming everything around them in a desperate attempt to fill their unlife with meaning.

This could not possibly be what Zelretch had in mind for his vacation. The vampire was crazy, not cruel. Barely five minutes in, and Shirou was already planning his escape. He could not survive one month of this. He just couldn't. It was all so...inorganic. There was no life, no soul here. Not even from the small fern on his desk. Shirou touched it gently. Plastic. He lifted up one of the leaves for closer inspection.

It read: Ferntastic Joja Employee Cubicle Enhancer. Property of Joja Corp. in blocky font on the back of the leaf.

He took a moment to feel the environment around him. No magic. No connection to nature at all. He was surprised that Gaia was letting this affront stand. Surely this was more unnatural than any Reality Marble?

He was going to escape, but first, he needed supplies. Never know what might come in handy in a hostile environment. That was one of the first lessons of doing missions for the Clocktower that he learned. He opened the first drawer of his cubicle desk to find little more than office supplies. Luckily, the second desk was more interesting.

It had a letter. Addressed to him by his grandfather? He didn't question it. Being Zelretch's apprentice had taught him to not look too deeply into these strange things. That way lay madness.

And he was not a Berserker. He was an Archer class, thank you very much.

A cursory scan of the letter revealed his first piece of good news: His grandfather had left him the deed to a farm in a place known as Stardew Valley, along with the money necessary for a bus ticket. A farm? Now that sounded like a vacation. Plenty of nature, nothing to do but till soil, raise crops, and bask in quiet, uneventful solitude. Not to mention all the fresh ingredients he would get to work with.

The girls would be pleased.

One "I quit" and a trip to the bus station later, Shirou found himself heading for Stardew Valley, and the start of what he hoped would be a great vacation.

 **XXX**

The air was completely different here. That was the first thing that he noticed when he stepped off the bus. There were plenty of animals and greenery about. There was nature here. Gaia would be pleased. He was greeted by an older man by the name of Lewis, who was apparently friends with his grandfather of this world. Having known relatives, even extradimensional ones, was a new experience for Shirou. It was...odd.

Regardless, the other woman there to greet him, the local carpenter, was much more interesting to talk to. She was as passionate about her craft as Shirou was about cooking. She tried to pitch him a house upgrade, offering her services any time he needed them. Once he saw the "house" he would be staying in, he nearly took her up on the offer. The place was little more than a ramshackle shed.

Shirou wasn't even sure if it was up to code, really. His grandfather had lived here? No wonder he was dead.

Eventually, the do left him alone, promising to stop by again at some point, and urging him to introduce himself to the curious townspeople when he had the time. Shirou entered the dilapidated cabin to find it sparsely furnished with green forest-themed wall paper, a table, and a bed.

That was it.

' _No kitchen?!'_ Shirou thought in dismay. It took all his self-control not to rush into town to find Robin and beg for that first upgrade when he discovered this fact. He opened the small box in the middle of the floor, hoping to discover at least a hotplate or griddle of some kind. He was again disappointed, because all it contained was farming equipment such as a pickax, a hatchet for chopping wood, a hoe for tilling the earth, and a watering can.

This would not do.

Shirou set everything aside, but the seeds that he found at the bottom of the box, and stepped outside into the bright, warm afternoon. He surveyed the forest around him, taking note of all the overgrowth around the property as Gaia fought to reclaim the land his relative had tamed.

Shirou took a moment to stretch out his senses, warming up his magic circuits as he concentrated on what he wanted to do. Doing this the normal way would take entirely too long, since he still had to explore the town, and track down Robin.

He was entirely alone on this little piece of property. No one around for miles. Shirou smiled as he stretched out his hand, magic circuits flaring. "I am the bone of my sword..."

One hill of swords launched at high velocity later, and his new farm was almost completely cleared of debris. He followed that up with a flare of magic, using his magecraft to project a copy of Hrunting, the legendary beast slaying blade of Beowulf. It wasn't quite the same, but it was close enough for his purposes. One mighty swing later, and the land around him was officially tilled. Seeds were planted and watered shortly after.

Now to go meet some people and see a carpenter about a house renovation.

 **XXX**

He met a lot of interesting people. Alex seemed to be determined to be an American High school stereotype based on Shirou's viewing on older Western movies. He spent all his time weight lifting while his frail grandparents needed their roof fixed.

Elliott was an eccentric, would-be writer with big dreams and little inspiration. Nice hair though.

Dr. Harvey was a soft-spoken man, rather socially awkward outside his profession. He adored pickles and coffee. Not together, though. He wasn't that odd.

Sam was another typical stereotype, someone with little responsibility, and no direction. He was pretty good on a skateboard, at least.

Sebastian was Robin's son, a quiet, serious computer programmer. Shane was a drunk _. 'Then again, he works for Joja Corp. It would drive anyone to drink...'_ Shirou mused.

Abigail was like Sam in that she had little responsibility and lived with her parents. She dreamed of being an adventurer though, to make her escape from her boring life and the role her parents wanted to fit her into. Shirou also suspected that she might be a beginning Magus, given her interest in the occult.

Emily was...Emily. Kind, compassionate, and fun. She was also more than a little New Age eccentric. She had very interesting ideas when it came to dancing.

Haley seemed to be taking the same _How to Life_ course as Alex, determined to be another high school stereotype from Western movies. Every sentence started with the word "like" and she seemed to take it upon herself to be the chief of the fashion police for the town.

Leah was an artist that lived in a cabin. She had a fondness for finding the beauty in nature, and adored salad and fine wine. She had expensive tastes for a struggling artist that lived in the middle of the woods. And like the other older redhead he had met, really liked working with wood.

Maru was Robin's daughter, a talented inventor and part-time nurse at Harvey's clinic. She was a genius like her father but was still down to earth enough to recognize that when someone asks for fruit, they don't mean a tomato.

And then there was Penny. She was the teacher to the town's two school-aged children, who adored kids, loved books, and lived in a trailer with her alcoholic mother while struggling to make enough for a better life.

Caroline was the wife of Pierre, the local general store owner. She kept her spirits up despite the adversity she and her husband were facing with Joja Corp. opening a competing store across the river and taking most of her husband's business. They seemed to be doing well for themselves, regardless, considering that they had a large shrine made of solid gold in their house. Were they running some sort of secret fertility cult?

Clint was the local blacksmith. A quiet, shy man with a love of fine gems and Emily. He reminded Shirou of a chronically depressed donkey that he had seen in a children's cartoon once.

Demetrius was a scientist, and Robin's husband. He was also Meru's father, not that that was hard to guess upon meeting him. He made this fact very clear. No one was good enough for his baby girl. Unless they bribed him with strawberries.

Evelyn was a kindly older woman that lived with her husband George. She made great cookies. She and Shirou spoke at length about recipes, swapping tips and advice about baking and gardening.

George was her embittered husband, gruff but caring, he was not the same since he lost the use of his legs. He more than made up for it with his mouth though. Complaining about everything he saw as was the prerogative of those ancient and close to death.

Gus was a goldmine. He and Shirou talked for hours about cooking when the man was kind enough to let him use his kitchen to make a meal. Judging by his face and the slight jaundicing around his eyes, Shirou was certain tat diabetes would set in any day now. Good thing the longest thing he wrote was recipes and not fantasy novel sagas.

Jas was the niece of the local rancher, one of the only two children in town. She had a fondness for cake, especially pink ones. She also did horrible, deeply disturbing things to her poor toys. Shirou pitied Vincent in a few years.

Jodi was the mother of Sam and Vincent. A hardworking housewife that struggled with her desire to experience more in life for herself with raising her family. Her entire existence seemed to be nothing but cleaning and exercise class.

Kent was her husband, deployed for the moment, but expected back soon. Apparently, there was a war on, but you'd never know it looking around the town.

Lewis had been the mayor for two decades now, running unopposed during that time. He was well liked, and a respected pillar of the community. He also made sure to get his dairy intake in daily considering all the times Shirou saw him at the ranch.

Linus lived in a tent. He claimed it helped him get closer to nature, but Shirou thought the man really just wanted an excuse to rummage in the garbage and embrace the life of a raccoon.

Marnie was the local rancher. A kindly, rather pretty woman that loved animals. And antiques considering all the longing looks she shared with Lewis at night in the Saloon.

Pam was Penny's mother. A woman in her 40's that looked to be in her 50's and, based on Shirou's use of Tracing to check her health, had more alcohol in her bloodstream than blood cells at this point. She had the hardest working liver in the Valley.

Pierre was the local General Store owner. Caroline's husband, Abigail's father. He had rich tastes in interior design and had no idea how coupons worked. What was so hard about offering even just a 10% discount? Were seeds truly that expensive to stock?

Vincent was the only other child in the valley. Sam's younger brother, Marnie's best friend, and a fervent lover of grapes. He went on strangely deep philosophical tangents about the inner turmoil of man. Or maybe it really was just about wanting to look for bugs, even though his mom would get mad that he made more laundry for her. Philosophy was never Shirou's strong point.

Willy was a stereotypical fisherman. He loved to mead, the sea, and fishing. In that order. He also seemed very insistent that Shirou take his old rod. He politely declined though. Why use and some old fisherman's rod when he had a Gae Bolge?

Shirou was shocked to discover another magus living in the forest of the Valley. The man, simply referred to as "The Wizard" was about as stereotypical as it was possible to be, as though he had read a ton of fantasy novels and decided to incorporate all of the most common elements into his lifestyle.

Shirou didn't like the man very much. There was just something about him. As Saber was fond of saying when she really decided to rant, "It is all that blasted Wizard's fault!"

Still, despite being on vacation, a hero's work was never done. He would do his best to help these people. Though they lived in a seemingly peaceful perfect community, there was darkness lurking just underneath, a sense of helplessness and hopelessness to these people that as a hero, it was Shirou's duty to drive away.

But first a kitchen!

 **XXX**

"I'm sorry Mr. Shirou, but you don't have the money right now for the upgrade."

"I know, and I would like to make you an offer. I have a significant amount of materials from all of my cleared land. Lots of wood. Hard wood, too. I'll trade you two tons of raw material for a kitchen."

"Two tons?!" Robin was understandably shocked. Shirou hadn't even been here a full day, how could he have accumulated that much raw material already?! The stamina requirements alone...

"Please Miss, I must have a kitchen in order to cook. I have all these fresh new ingredients, and nothing to do with them!" He ended his plea with a respectful bow.

Robin was a bit uncomfortable with his earnestness. She wanted to help him, he looked so desperate! She preferred coin, but it was a lot of wood...

"Tell you what, Mr. Shirou, since you want to cook that badly, why don't you use my kitchen to make dinner? If your skills are good enough, you have yourself a deal!"

He gave her a relieved smile as she pointed him in the direction of her kitchen. "Any requests, ma'am?"

Wary of males in the kitchen, given the last time she let her husband cook, Robin didn't want to make things too complicated. "Let's do something simple. Spaghetti."

Shirou smiled. "As you wish..."

 **XXX**

Later that evening, Meru came home from her shift at the clinic to be greeted by a strange sight: Her mother was not at the counter. Her father wasn't in his lab. Her brother wasn't in his room. Instead, they were all clustered around the kitchen table, like so many hungry puppies as the new local farmer bustled about their stove, making spaghetti and wearing an apron of all things.

"Um. Hello everyone..."

"Hello, Ms. Maru," Shirou greeted without looking away from the sauce he was stirring. It was almost the right thickness. The rest of her family waved in her general direction, not taking their eyes off of Shirou.

Lacking anything better to do, and wanting an answer to the mystery of their mysterious guest, Maru took her usual place at the kitchen table, leaning over to her mother to whisper, "Mom, why is the new farmer cooking spaghetti in our kitchen?"

"For love and justice, Maru dear. For love and Justice..."

"It's a hero's duty to spread joy and help those in need." Sebastian affirmed.

"Indubitably." her father added.

Now she was even more confused. Still, at least it was free food, and not her father's attempts at cooking. She loved the man, but for all his skills with science, the man couldn't cook to save his life.

At that moment, Shirou turned away from the stove, plating up four generous helpings of spaghetti to go along with the fresh garlic bread that he had just taken out of the oven. Once everyone was served, Shirou gave them another bow. "I'm sorry that it's not my best. There weren't enough ingredients to make both the bread, and the noodles from scratch, so I had to use store bought."

His distaste for this fact was obvious in his tone. "Luckily you had plenty of fresh tomatoes, onions, garlic, and mushrooms for the sauce. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy!"

With that, Shirou waited with bated breath, hoping they liked his below standard fare. He really needed that kitchen! The room was silent as the family thoughtfully chewed their meal. Even though he was a veteran of the Holy Grail War, and had faced down beings out of myth, that silence was still one of the most unnerving things he had ever felt.

Eventually, the meal was over, and the family turned to look at him as one. Their solemn, thoughtful expressions changed in an instant as they all started talking at once. "Shirou! That spaghetti was simply stupendous! Have you ever studied organic chemistry? I bet you'll be a natural!"

"Shirou, man, that was fantastic! If my programming was half as good as that meal, people would actually be able to beat Junimo Cart!"

"A kitchen?! Shirou, how about I go ahead and give you the full upgrade! You'll need a cellar to age products, more space to cook and even a nursery to eventually raise children!" Robin said this last with a pointed look at her daughter.

Maru was her parents' daughter. She picked it up immediately. "You know Shirou, I'm working on a few gadgets at the moment, with a few modifications, I can easily make them into appliances for your new kitchen! I can even come over and try the foods you make with them! Purely for science of course!"

Demetrius may have been a bit absentminded, and socially inept, but he recognized his daughter's ploy. "I concur! That would be an excellent idea, Maru!" He supported it wholeheartedly. He would discover the science behind Shirous talents. A man like that should have no problem taking care of his little girl.

Shirou took all this in calmly, glad that they enjoyed the food, but a bit unnerved by how fervent they were in their appreciation. Was the seasoning he used in the ground beef really that good? So, he did what any intelligent hero would do when faced with such an overwhelming force.

He made a tactical retreat. "I'm glad you like the food! I'll deliver the materials we agreed upon tomorrow Ms. Robin. Please excuse me!" With one last bow, Shirou beat a hasty exit, the near worshipful praises of the family still ringing in his ears.

 **XXX**

True to her word, Robin was there the next day, upgrading his house. He declined the offer of a nursery, he was only here for a vacation after all, but he happily accepted the offer for a larger than average kitchen, and a cellar. Being able to age things like cheeses would come in handy for the recipes he wanted to make.

Which was good because he had enslaved forest spirits to free. A hero's work was never done, and the Community Center wasn't going to rebuild itself. Speaking of, he needed to hurry up and catch the rest of the ocean fish. Willy was still very disappointed that he never took his rod...

As he was on the way to the lake to finish catching the tricky sturgeon, Shirou noticed a cave, and deciding that it may be more fun to see if there was any ore around to craft a crystalarium he could trace, since he lacked the money to fill the Vault Room of the Community Center. An old man with an eyepatch, that vaguely reminded Shirou of a popular videogame character from a now dead franchise, told him that there may be monsters deep in the mine.

Well that sounded like a job for an Ally of Justice if he ever heard it.

Shirou turned down the sword he was offered with a smile and a polite bow before heading into the mine. It was surprisingly relaxing. The creatures had very simple attack patterns, were easy to dodge, and even easier to kill. A ton of flying, pointy death solves a lot of problems.

It really _was_ a vacation!

Of course, the vacation took a turn a few days after Robin finished his house upgrade. He was making breakfast when he heard a nock on the door. He was greeted by Marnie, no doubt stopping over on her way to meet Lewis in the bushes somewhere. They both had established homes and jobs, but if they preferred to roll around in the same place Linus did his business, that was their call.

He would not judge.

"Howdy there, Mr. Shirou! I found this cat out on the edge of your farm. I think he likes the place! Do you want to give him a name and let him live here?"

Shirou took a moment to consider. Yes, helping a defenseless animal was the heroic thing to do, and there was a perfectly good water bowl outside. On the other hand, he didn't really have time to care for a pet. The travelling Gypsy lady was due in a couple days, and she may have the animal products he needed to finish the pantry!

Perhaps the cat could help him hunt? It would be good for keeping away mice if nothing else. Taking a look at the squashed face, it was clear that the cat was a scrapper. But as Marnie set it down, and it glared balefully at him like it was plotting his death just to fill its otherwise unremarkable existence, there was really only one name that would suffice.

Picking up a small stick from the ground, Shirou gestured as though he was laying the stick like a sword gently across the cat's shoulders, like Saber had shown him. "I dub thee Catrei Kotomeownei."

With that done, he thanked Marnie, told her to give his best to Lewis, and proceeded to water his crops. He just needed a few more golden star parsnips, and he would be able to drop them off at the Community Center…

 **XXX**

The days blended into each other, with the farming, the fishing, and the listening to other people talk about their problems. Luckily for Shirou, clearing the mines in one afternoon netted him enough crafting materials, and a few diamonds to make several crystalariums. After a while he had so many of the things that he started giving them as gifts to people.

They were very appreciative. Especially the ladies.

' _Women like diamonds? I thought that was just a stereotype. Is this social commentary? I feel like this is social commentary...'_

Regardless, he was soon hailed as one of the greatest people in the Valley, between his cooking, and throwing obscene amounts of wealth around. If these people ever met Rin, they'd likely go insane watching her conduct magecraft. Her particular brand of family magic was very expensive.

With that thought in mind, Shirou made a mental note to take all the crystalariums with him when he left. And the recycling machines. He wasn't sure what magic transformed random crumpled newspaper into a flawless bolt of cloth, but he knew the Clocktower would love to figure it out. People took towels and soaps from the hotel all the time. This was basically the same thing. Especially since he made them in the first place.

 **XXX**

The days grew longer and hotter. Before he knew it, Summer was here. And that meant one thing: Shirou needed gold star melons. Lots of them.

Between the travelling vendor, his exploration of the mines, and his use of Gae Bolge to catch fish, Shirou only needed the crops and some fruit to finish the last few bundles. It was rather fun, really. Or it would be once Pierre sold him that last backpack. His inventory was filling up fast. 1,000,000,000 gold for a backpack?

Honestly! You accidentally find a man's stash of _My Fun-Sized Pony_ doujins and he never lets you forget it.

At least Caroline and Abigail had a good laugh.

 **XXX**

The days blended together again, and the seasons changed. And that meant pumpkins! Shirou needed five of them, a duck feather, and the winter foraging bundle to complete the Center. He exited his house that morning and went to the mailbox out of morbid curiosity. Inside he found a significant number of letters from the townsfolk. Some contained gifts, or money. Most, however, contained something infinitely more valuable: Recipes.

Unseen by people, Shirou began to chuckle. If a few diamonds, and an afternoon listening to their problems got him so many recipes, imagine what Evelyn would do if he used Excalibur's sheathe to heal George's legs? As a secondary summoner of the blade, it did respond to him. He could direct enough healing magic to fix George in an hour.

That cookie recipe would finally be his!

 **XXX**

After hours cultivating his crops, he was still three golden pumpkins away from finishing that bundle. He was too frustrated to even cook, so he decided to let someone else do it for him today and have lunch at the Stardrop Saloon.

He entered to a rather curious sight: Most of the town's guys were gathered around a table in the Saloon. Harvey, Alex, Elliott, Sam, Sebastian, and Shane were all discussing something in low, heated tones when they noticed him come in.

Sam was apparently the elected speaker of the group, because he gave Shirou a nervous smile, and offered him a Joja Cola. Shirou, wanting to be polite, and hoping that Gus would hurry over and take his order accepted it.

At Sam's urging, Shirou took a tentative sip of the beverage, and promptly spit it back out again. This is what evil must taste like.

Joja Cola was Angra Mainyu.

The others noticed his discomfort and began talking all at once in an effort to put him at ease. Luckily, after many hours swapping cooking techniques, Gus was a bro, and quickly arrived with some tea to cleanse Shirou's poor taste buds. Once he was seated at the table, the reason for the meeting came pouring out of Sam.

They were all interested in him. _Very_ interested. He knew that bisexuality was a thing. So was being gay. But _all_ of them? Well, it would explain why Jas and Vincent were the only kids around…

Who knew that showering people with gifts and listening to their problems led to relationships? For a town struggling to get back to a simpler, more community focused lifestyle that broke away from the mire of modern city living, these people sure put a lot of emphasis on gift giving in their relationships.

Shirou could have ruined the global economy back home with all the head sized diamonds he had given these people. Well, he knew Rin would appreciate them. Maybe she would experiment for a while, and he could relax once he got back...?

In that moment, Shirou remembered the last bit of advice Zelretch had given him before sending him on his vacation: "Remember the Internet video...

"I know you all want an answer, and if you give me a moment, I will give it to you all at once. Sam, I see you bought your guitar. may I borrow it for a moment?"

At Sam's nod, Shirou moved to a stool in front of the table seating himself before strumming the guitar a bit to see if it needed tuning. Satisfied, he began to play an actual tune. He wasn't much of a singer, but fortunately he didn't have to be for this. The opening lyrics were gentle and soft.

The men hung on every word. However, when he started the chorus, their looks of hope were replaced with teary-eyed understanding. "If I were gay, I would give you my heart! And if I were gay, you'd be my work of art! If I were gay, we would swim in romance! But I'm not gay, so get your hand out of my pants!"

The song continued for a few more verses, and when it was over, Shirou gave Sam back his guitar, finished his tea, and left with a bow amidst the tears of the bachelors and Gus's cries for an encore.

With his lunch plans on hold, Shirou decided to drop off a few of his extra diamonds to Haley and Emily since he was hoping to get Emily's recipe for the survival burger. He didn't know what magic made cave carrots into meat, but he would crack the code eventually! He had a chest full of the things for Rin to experiment on!

After knocking he waited a few moments before Haley answered the door. She looked flushed and winded, like she had been shouting. Shirou could see the rest of the female acquaintances near his age sitting at her kitchen table. They were all staring at him with longing, hopeful expressions.

Nope.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope...

He was on vacation! He was relaxing! He already had three, that was more than enough! With a polite bow, and a quick apology, Shirou handed Haley the diamonds and made a mad dash for the safety of his farm. Clearly, he would have to take drastic measures to fix this problem.

 **XXX**

The next day, after a disappointing harvest of silver star pumpkins, Shirou made a point to go to each of the ladies in question and politely, but firmly inform them that there was someone else, and he was not interested in anything beyond friendship.

Of course, that was hard to argue with Penny when the whole town knew that he used his diamond money to bankroll a new house for her and her mother, but he succeeded. Barely. Then he ruthlessly pointed all of them in the direction of other eligible males in desperate need of female companionship.

With his knowledge, the ladies were able to make short work of catching their prey, and Robin was kept very busy creating lots of nurseries. And the entire town had a week of weddings.

Sam and Penny had a simple ceremony. Vincent was their ringbearer, and Jas the flower girl.

Sebastian and Abigail had a videogame themed wedding which only the people in their age bracket appreciated.

Harvey and Maru had a more elaborate ceremony which culminated in the two of them riding a hot air balloon to their honeymoon destination.

Alex and Haley's wedding had an open bar, and twenty different varieties of chicken wings. And hundreds of vases of sunflowers.

Emily and Clint had a much more New Age wedding involving meditation, and freeform dancing. No one really understood it, but George took any opportunity to dance.

Elliott and Leah's wedding was in the middle of Cindersnap Forest surrounded by nature. It was truly beautiful. Everyone suspected that Elliott would soon find the inspiration to finish his book, if the looks Leah gave him during the ceremony were anything to go by. She was going to have plenty of sculpting material that night.

The most surprising wedding of the season though was the one between Pam and Shane. Once Shirou helped the man recover from alcoholism, and throw away his Nickelback CD's, he had a whole new lease on life.

Apparently that new lease also included pursuing a much older woman who was close to death. Then again, he was Marnie's nephew, and considering what she got up to it was probably genetic.

Speaking of Marnie, after the fifth time Shirou was asked to find his boxers, this time in the middle of town square, everyone finally told them to just get hitched already.

They did. The wedding was a festive flurry of fun. Which meant that Shirou could quietly sneak away to do something much more important: Finishing the Winter Foraging Bundle.

One snow yam and a piece of crystal fruit later, Shirou turned in the last bundle. There was much rejoicing of the Junimos, who were finally free of their stay in the Community Center and could return to the forest where they truly belonged.

Morris the Joja representative was also officially run out of town. The great evil was vanquished, and Pierre was now working seven days a week. It was Caroline's idea. She wasn't over the My Fun-sized Pony incident.

Shane lost his job, but he was too busy filming videos with Pam in her house's cellar. Penny was so glad the cellar was sound proof.

 **XXX**

With the Community Center complete, there was nothing left to do but harvest the Ancient Fruit from his greenhouse, collect the diamonds and most importantly...

"Come on...jump tiny Junimo! Jump you tiny Gojira snot bubble!" Shirou maneuvered the cart deftly around the last jump. He had no carts left, and this was the last map. Only a little more, and he would finally have this game finished!

Suddenly, an unexpected board barred his path, and caused him to crash. Shirou left in disgust before he decided to do something unheroic. ' _Fucking Junimo Cart…'_

 **XXX**

As he was making his way back to the farm for the night, he noticed a shape come out of the sewers, and saw Krobus, the strange shadow creature opening the way and gesturing frantically.

Was that the dwarf? And was it wearing a dress? Shirou was stunned. He was certain the dwarf was a guy, but those hips don't lie. That hood made it very hard to tell, but he was sure he had seen a hint of beard at some point.

Judging from the shy smiles the two exchanged, and the eager pace of the dwarf as she descended into the sewers, the two had finally gotten over the horrors of the war between their races and were able to find joy in their lives.

 **XXX**

The next morning, Shirou was loudly awoken by the sound of splitting reality and his master cackling madly while feeding Catrei Kotomeownei some of his sardines.

"Shirou my boy! Did you enjoy your vacation?"

He took a moment to consider this as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, and went about making breakfast. He had freed a race of forest spirits, averted making an entire town his harem, restored hope to a town that had lost its sense of community, amassed a fantastic fortune, and had learned a lot of new recipes.

"Yes. I do believe I did."

"Excellent, in that case, we best get-"

There was a sudden whooshing sound as though a great wind had come rushing through the trees. Shirou and Zelretch exchanged a look before going outside to investigate. There, they found something truly odd. Even for mages.

"Shirou my dear grandson! Look at how far you've come! You're a better farmer than I could ever be, my boy! I am truly proud! Arkos Farm is truly in the right hands. I can finally rest in peace..." The ghost of Shirou's extradimensional grandfather favored him with a final smile before fading away.

Where his spirit floated, there was now a statue made of pure iridium. Shirou was now even more rich. He calmly picked up the statue and placed it in his backpack.

"Shirou, was that a ghost and did it claim to be your grandfather?"

"Yes. It did."

"This dimension is _odd_. Well, time is a-wasting! The girls are due back today! The vacation is over my apprentice. It's time to go home!"

"Wait, there is one final thing I must do."

 **XXX**

The two travelled to the beach, Shirou leading the way across a thin wooden bridge to an older stretch of beach where an old, grungy man stood.

"Hey there young un! I can see by that look in your eyes that you've got someone special in your heart! Go on and give them this pendant and they'll know exactly what they mean to you! Only 10,000 gold!"

Shirou favored the man with a polite smile as he fished 30,000 gold from his inventory, glad to finally have the biggest backpack. "I'll take three."

The man looked aghast, hand closing around the pendant, and moving it from Shirou's reach. "Hey now, I'm not sure what kind of crazy lifestyle you lived in Zuzu City, but in these parts, we take matrimony seriously! The only "My" in marriage is monogamy!"

Shirou sweetened the deal with a few bars of iridium. "Just because you are right doesn't mean you are correct…"

The man was quick to fork over three pendants. "Pleasure doing business with you."

"Shirou, what are these pendants? Are they magical?"

"Maybe. What I know for sure though is that they are the symbol of marriage here. If these don't get my intentions across with the girls when we get home, then I hope the diamonds the size of my head will. Oh, I have several copies of a machine that produces perfect gemstones. Rin should be able to experiment for a while."

"Hmm... Glad to see you've had a profitable trip. Shall we?" with a lazy wave of his hand, Zelretch tore open another hole in the fabric of reality, and the two stepped back home, leaving a very confused old mariner behind.

The man took one look at his half-finished bottle of mead before throwing it into the sea. "I am never drinking again!"


End file.
